Top 5 Best and Worst Halloween Candy

and why and what it says about your sex life

Before you read the list, I want you to know that the following were ranked using the below grading criteria which was then scientifically studied using the latest data analyzation techniques with AI before being fact checked by human experts… unfortunately I decided to do that after I already made the list:*

• Taste - specifically sugar level

• Texture

• Ease of opening + Reward level

• Quantity per serving

• Cleanliness/Stickiness

• Packaging

• Safety

*To determine what it says about your sex life, I simply used my intuition and by searching my friend Kevin’s incognito browsing history when he left it open.

#5 NERDS - Best

What it says about your sex life: Causal, safe, fun!

WHY: It’s not complicated, nerds are essentially a pixie stick with texture and that simplicity is what makes them great. What’s most impressive about them is their ease of opening and the sturdy box package makes for a speedy hand to mouth delivery system. Quick and easy with a great crunch.

#5 STARBURST - Worst

What it says about your sex life: Too much foreplay and not as juicy as you would think.

WHY: Now, before you lose your minds, let me state that I love starbursts’. With that being said, there’s a lot of unwrapping and peeling to just to get one. Let’s just say that the juice isn’t always worth the squeeze.

#4. BUTTERFINGER - Best

What it says about your sex life: BUTT/HER/FINGER… ‘Nuff said.

WHY: Bart Simpson loved them, I love them, and you’re going to want to lay a finger on them too. Butterfinger’s just hit different, especially after you’ve had too many of the chocolate/caramel bars. The yellow and blue packaging stands out, the texture is unique, and the flavor is complex. It’s borderline savory which is hard to do but they do it so well.

#4, DOCTOR CANDY (LICORICE & LOLLIS) - Worst

What it says about your sex life: You only do missionary and keep your socks on.

WHY: Yeah, I’m lumping in Twizzlers (or Red Vines if you’re from the West Coast) with lollipops like Dum Dums together, you know, stuff they had at your doctor’s office when you were a kid. They’re fine, but a somewhat bland cheap candy. They all seem to have a loose wrappers which makes one wonder if somebody already opened it or if it’s just shitty packaging. It’s probably both.

#3 SNICKERS - Best

What it says about your sex life: You like quality and consistency but can get a little nutty too.

WHY: The only reason snickers isn’t number 1 is because it’s so widely loved that it borderlines on being too generic. With that said, Snickers rises above the highly competitive pack of other chocolate/caramel bars because of it’s texture featuring a distinct, yet oddly erotic, caramel vein on top. It’s packaging stands out, it’s bold (Literally) yet it’s also understated. The ingredients are a match made in heaven and taste great in any scenario, but especially when frozen.

#3 “SNACK FOODS” (PRETZELS, CHIPS, AND POP CORN) - Worst

What it says about your sex life: You plan when you have sex on a calendar and it’s the same boring sex you’ve been having all of your life and will have the rest of your life.

WHY: If you’re not giving me something either covered in chocolate or sugar, then don’t give me anything. We want candy and not a damn snack! I’m sorry to be so salty, but I can’t sugarcoat it and clearly neither can you. Either be fun or GTFO!

#2 KIT KAT - Best

What it says about your sex life: You’re a generous caring lovah with incredible timing and magical hands.

WHY: It’s a perfect balance of ratios, texture, and taste. Consistently great bites. Easy to open and colors that stick out from the crowd. It’s also fun to say. I used to give them to my friend Saade when he was in a bad mood and it never failed to turn his frown upside down. It’s by far the best wafer bar to ever be conceived.

#2 FRUIT - Worst

What it says about your sex life: You have a secret fetish that everyone already knows about and it’s not as interesting as you think it is, it’s just weird.

WHY: Do you think you’re making a protest statement? Do you think I don’t already know that stuffing my face full of candy is unhealthy? Do you actually think you’re making a difference and not just being a dick? The answer to all of those questions is no. Not only is getting fruit disappointing on Halloween, but nobody wants to eat something out of your ziplock bag you weirdo!

#1 REESE’S - Best

What it says about your sex life: It’s legendary, but you’re too classy to say anything more than that.

WHY: Unlike Starburst, the process to opening Reese’s builds excitement through anticipation as you get closer to unwrapping a specially made present just for you . It’s packaging is truly…the full package. Halloween themed colors with an exquisite design. No other candy has such a signature texture and taste. It’s an experience and you need to savor every one of them!

#1 PENNIES - Worst

What it says about your sex life: You don’t have one because you’re extremely old.

WHY: This must be meant to be a “Trick” right? If you’re giving these out and you’re not at least an Octogenarian then I hope you go back to hell! Be gone Satan!